How NOT to Write a Law CV
2012-05-24 02:16 PMComment
Writing a CV as part of your training contract application can be a pretty nerve-wracking task. We thought we’d help you out by showing you exactly what NOT to do! Allow us to introduce the irrepressible Brian Johnson. Check out his CV to get a good idea of what you most definitely shouldn’t be including in your training contract application. Disclaimer: any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental…
“That’s me on the right.”
Brian ‘The Ambassador’ Johnson
I am a dynamic law grad with a knapsack full of commercial awareness and a bum bag (a.k.a. ‘fanny pack’ to all you American firms) full of passion.
Here are some words which describe me perfectly: debonair, rambunctious, judgemental, voluptuous, crepuscular, hard-working, hilarious.
I love, love, LOVE working long hours and I’m ready to put my plums on the line for your lovely law firm. After all, I’m incredibly keen to earn a salary which will allow me to satisfy my appetite for expensive trainers, Carr’s Cheese Melts and impromptu weekend breaks in Western Europe.
I have a law degree and I’m packing a serious amount of commercial awareness, spatial awareness and self-awareness. Sort me out with a ‘Trainy C’ and you won’t be disappointed. Trust.
September 2008 – May 2011 - Bronsford University
LLB (2:1) - Sometimes I have the capacity to surprise myself.
September 2000 – June 2008 - Bracklebury Grammar School
A-levels - History (A), English Literature (A), Français (B), General Studies (U)
GCSEs – A mixed bag of As, Bs and Cs.
February 2012 - Work Experience @ Beyton Solicitors (Scunthorpe, UK)
- Photocopying documents, blank pieces of paper, my face etc.
- Basking in the warm embrace of freshly-copied sheets;
- Drafting emails to clients, my ex-girlfriend and Roberta, the overly friendly legal secretary;
- Shadowing an associate;
- Referring to myself as ‘The Shadow’;
- Attending court on two separate occasions;
- Napping in court on two separate occasions;
- Conducting research (40% legal documents, 20% RollOnFriday, 20% BBC Sport website, 10% Twitter, 5% Kemp Folds Tumblr, 3% Freecycle, 2% 'stain removal' Google search).
June 2011 to August 2011 – Bartender @ The Willows Health Club (Kent, UK)
- Inadvertently pouring pints with ‘continental’ heads;
- Flaring (unsuccessfully);
- Sweeping up broken glass;
- Pronouncing mojito ‘mo-jee-tao’ to annoy my boss;
- Flirting outrageously with old women in the hunt for tips;
- Massaging the egos of octogenarian men in the hunt for tips;
- Putting on a namby-pamby southern accent in the hunt for better tips;
- Frequently seeking refuge from my tedious duties by napping in the linen closet;
- Burying my face in a pile of freshly-washed complimentary towels #bliss;
- Unsuccessfully attempting to romance Stacey Smith (a.k.a. ‘the FITNESS instructor’) in the health club’s hot tub.
August 2010 - Vacation Scheme @ Johnson, Jammo & Big Kev (Malaga, Spain)
- Fostering international ‘relationships’ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge);
- Gaining plenty of ‘experience’ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge);
- Overseeing ‘mergers’ and ‘acquisitions’ (wink, wink, nudge, nudge);
- Conducting hands-on research into a number of legal issues (personal injury and public order offences);
- ‘Liaising’ with the police on at least two occasions.
March 2010 - Student Pro Bono Project @ Bronsford University (Kent, UK)
- Attending three weekly meetings in a vain attempt to improve my CV;
- Enjoying it immensely when our elderly supervisor pronounced it ‘pro boner’ on one occasion;
- Managing to avoid actually doing anything.
July 2008 - Receptionist/Office Whipping Boy (Temp) @ Beezley Paper Supplies (Scunthorpe, UK)
- Fake smiling, filing and compiling (listed in order of importance);
- Data input;
- More data input;
- Overfeeding the company goldfish, Mitzy;
- Answering the phone almost every time it rang;
- Reading Portnoy’s Complaint by Philip Roth;
- Visiting the toilet twice an hour to play Tetris;
- General admin;
- Making excuses when invited out for ‘work drinks’ by my abhorrent colleagues.
August 2007 to March 2008 - Burger Flipper/Chip Fryer (Part-time) @ Wimpy Restaurant (Scunthorpe, UK)
- Wearing an oddly flattering outfit;
- Sporting my chef’s hat at a jaunty angle;
- Flipping burgers, frying chips, dousing everything with gallons of oil;
- Resisting the temptation to find out exactly what they put in the milkshakes;
- Chuckling when anybody ordered the ‘Bender in a Bun’ burger;
- Being overly liberal with the salt shaker;
- Feigning deafness when taking drive-thru orders;
- Avoiding eye contact with other employees at all costs.
Skills & Achievements
- My first word was ‘bamboozle’;
- Rock (Expert), Paper (Expert), Scissors (Intermediate);
- Word, Excel, Powerpoint, Paint, Minesweeper;
- Facebooking, Tweeting, Myspace-ing, Bebo-ing, Pinteresting;
- Passing the Cycling Proficiency Test with flying colours;
- Reaching the final of the UEFA Champions League with Scunthorpe United on Football Manager;
- I once managed to fit two entire packs of Trebor Extra Strong Mints in my tiny mouth;
- Duke of Edinburgh Award – Bronze (incomplete).
Hobbies & Interests
- Magic: The Gathering;
- The endless pursuit of true love;
- Reading anything which is loosely cited as an attempt to write the ‘Great American Novel’.
To get some proper advice on writing a law CV, check out our law CV advice articles.
Image courtesy of Peter Galvin, 'The Family Portrait'